
Apple faces earnings test as Wall Street eyes cracks in empire
Flat iPhone sales, legal threats to App Store and Google deal unsettle investors
The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple is about to unveil its latest earnings report, and the cocaine nose jobs of Wall Street are getting twitchy. Despite a stock price that’s multiplied ninefold since 2015, Apple hasn’t sold more iPhones in 2024 than it did a decade ago.

Apple flogs recycled Pixel feature with moody cat ad
iPhone’s “new” Clean Up tool is actually just Google’s Magic Eraser in drag
The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple has wheeled out its latest “innovation” for iOS 26, which is really just a old Google Pixel feature dressed up in Californian smug.

AI chips face energy crisis as startups take on Nvidia
Cloudflare, Groq and Positron chase greener inference alternatives
Chip boffins are scrambling to cut the soaring energy costs of artificial intelligence, with a new generation of startups targeting Nvidia’s grip on the market by building faster, leaner, and more efficient inference silicon.

Palmer Luckey wants to build made-in-America laptops
Oculus and Anduril founder reckons some Yanks will pay extra
The bloke behind Oculus and the defence-tech darling Anduril, Palmer Luckey wants to take on laptops. But not your usual “assembled in the States with bits from Shenzhen” nonsense. He’s wants to build a Made in USA machine that ticks the Federal Trade Commission’s uncompromising box.

Microsoft can’t keep EU data out of US paws
Cloud Act clashes with Europe’s fantasy of digital sovereignty
Software King of the World, Microsoft has admitted it cannot keep French citizen data safe from the reach of US authorities, even when it is locked up in EU data centres.

Astronomer CEO resigns after Coldplay scandal
Dataops firm can't "fix you" as affair with HR chief becomes internet meme
A night out watching Apple's favourite band Coldplay has cost Astronomer’s now ex-CEO Andy Byron his job and possibly his reputation. Byron resigned in disgrace after being caught up in a scandal involving the company’s Chief People Officer, Kristin Cabot.

Apple engineers grumble that iPhone fold looks like everything else
Job’s Mob's foldable looks like Samsung clone
The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple is finally edging toward the foldable market, with its first iPhone Fold pencilled in for 2026 but behind the scenes, engineers are far from thrilled.

UK scrambles to avoid Apple encryption showdown
Labour ministers face US tarriff pressure
Sir Keir Starmer’s government is quietly trying to wriggle out of a diplomatic bust-up with Donald Trump’s White House over its attempt to force the Fruity Cargo Cult Apple to open up its locked-down customer data.

TSMC rakes in record profits on AI frenzy
Chip giant warns of tariff risks despite surging demand
TSMC stunned the cocaine nose jobs of Wall Street on Thursday with a 61 per cent year-on-year jump in second-quarter profit, smashing records and beating expectations thanks to relentless demand for artificial intelligence silicon.

Coldplay creates corporate scandal
Astronomer CEO and chief people officer caught in viral clip
Astronomer boss Andy Byron and Chief People Officer, Kristin Cabot are in hotwater after Apple's favourite band flashed a camera into the crowd and caught them cuddling.